Sackcloth & Ashes ... not nearly as depressing as it sounds ...
Now that you're here don't be afraid to look around, we promise not to tell. The softly glowing electronic pages of Sackcloth & Ashes contain grammatical and spelling errors which are intentional, so that the inept might read it without losing self esteem. They also contain articles, advertisements, and other works of the genre "apologetic theological satire" which we just now made up, to lend a comforting sense of false authenticity and authority to the site. In order to present a reassuring sense of continuity, our returning readers will find we have retained series such as Heresy of the Month, True Psychic, News Briefs, and we even include a Key to Satire for the humor impaired. There are a few kind of serious articles and quotations, but you have to figure out which ones they are on your own.
Hot off the distiller is zeen two originally published sometime in early '95 (procrastination is our middle name). Now you may download and view it in all its holy splendor (insert bright lights and angels singing here). Again, if you dont have an acrobat reader, GET ONE. You can configure Netscape to automatically open the document (for the labor impared)(wow, i really like using these parenthesis...). How lovely...Enjoy.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The NOT Made Up News
CAMBODIA-- Before she died, she told her father that she would return as a bird. Three days after the funeral, her father discovered a peacock sitting on her grave, so he took it home, believing it to be his reincarnated daughter.
The bird sleeps on the deceased woman's bed, which presumably has had the frilly bedspread replaced with a plastic tarp. Though as a human she was a bit peckish, she now enjoys the occasional tasty bug, if one happens into her boudoir.
The fowl twist of fate that left the woman dead has been the cause of hope to at least some. The idea that something supernatural has happened, came home to roost as villagers flocked to the bird to offer it holy water in hopes that it will heal one of them. This, in spite of the fact that it is usually dogs that are taught to heal. It is unknown whether her father will try to feather his nest by selling his daughters eggs, eat them, or name them after himself and include them in his will.
KANPUR, INDIA-- It's mayhem in the streets in this industrial center, and it's because of those pesky statues of Buddha that were destroyed in Afghanistan. Moslems in this predominantly Hindu nation, blame Hindus for burning a Koran in protest over Afghani Moslems blowing up two Buddha statues in a predominantly Islamic country, while Buddhists, who in India are a minority, pretty much stay out of it, except for in Sri Lanka, which is a different country altogether, where the president wants to buy the pieces of the demolished statues and rebuild them in Sri Lanka, with United Nations money, gleaned from really high dues the U.N. has assessed the United States, which they probably won't pay anyhow, through the auspices of UNESCO, (United Nations Education, Science, and Cultural Organization ) who's main purpose is to promote education in third world countries, apparently by reassembling giant religious icons.
The cost of all this? Two five hundred year old artifacts destroyed, a number of people dead, 200 shops looted, and a minor loss to the Afghani beef industry.
That's right. In a move to appease Allah for not destroying the Buddhas quickly enough, a mullah in Afghanistan has ordered 100 cows to be slaughtered. PETA (People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals) has largely ignored this atrocity while the other PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) thought it a shame to waste so much perfectly good jerky.
The bird sleeps on the deceased woman's bed, which presumably has had the frilly bedspread replaced with a plastic tarp. Though as a human she was a bit peckish, she now enjoys the occasional tasty bug, if one happens into her boudoir.
The fowl twist of fate that left the woman dead has been the cause of hope to at least some. The idea that something supernatural has happened, came home to roost as villagers flocked to the bird to offer it holy water in hopes that it will heal one of them. This, in spite of the fact that it is usually dogs that are taught to heal. It is unknown whether her father will try to feather his nest by selling his daughters eggs, eat them, or name them after himself and include them in his will.
KANPUR, INDIA-- It's mayhem in the streets in this industrial center, and it's because of those pesky statues of Buddha that were destroyed in Afghanistan. Moslems in this predominantly Hindu nation, blame Hindus for burning a Koran in protest over Afghani Moslems blowing up two Buddha statues in a predominantly Islamic country, while Buddhists, who in India are a minority, pretty much stay out of it, except for in Sri Lanka, which is a different country altogether, where the president wants to buy the pieces of the demolished statues and rebuild them in Sri Lanka, with United Nations money, gleaned from really high dues the U.N. has assessed the United States, which they probably won't pay anyhow, through the auspices of UNESCO, (United Nations Education, Science, and Cultural Organization ) who's main purpose is to promote education in third world countries, apparently by reassembling giant religious icons.
The cost of all this? Two five hundred year old artifacts destroyed, a number of people dead, 200 shops looted, and a minor loss to the Afghani beef industry.
That's right. In a move to appease Allah for not destroying the Buddhas quickly enough, a mullah in Afghanistan has ordered 100 cows to be slaughtered. PETA (People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals) has largely ignored this atrocity while the other PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) thought it a shame to waste so much perfectly good jerky.
THE DARKROOM SEARCH
Is love blind?
They say that love makes blind, and by this they explain the phenomenon. In case a man going into a dark room to fetch something were to reply to my advice that he carry a light by saying, "the thing I am seeking is only a trifle, therefore I carry no light" -ah, then I could understand him perfectly.
On the other hand, when the same man takes me aside and confides to me in a mysterious manner that the thing he went to fetch was of the utmost importance, and therefore he could do it blindly-ah, I wonder how my poor mortal head might be able to follow the high flight of this speech. Even if for fear of offending him I might refrain from laughter, as soon as his back was turned I could not help laughing. But at love nobody laughs
They say that love makes blind, and by this they explain the phenomenon. In case a man going into a dark room to fetch something were to reply to my advice that he carry a light by saying, "the thing I am seeking is only a trifle, therefore I carry no light" -ah, then I could understand him perfectly.
On the other hand, when the same man takes me aside and confides to me in a mysterious manner that the thing he went to fetch was of the utmost importance, and therefore he could do it blindly-ah, I wonder how my poor mortal head might be able to follow the high flight of this speech. Even if for fear of offending him I might refrain from laughter, as soon as his back was turned I could not help laughing. But at love nobody laughs
Convenience
Convenience the proud;
convenience the beautiful-
convenience abundance;
convenience or die-
Your image to drunken my soul;
your fire to consume me-
Your lies never to drown in the blood that you perfume me-
For those who bar your way die upon your alter-
And the graves that you prepare in your vanity never falter-
Though murder be your throne and malice be your scepter-
We shall close our eyes to wish that death sounds better-
At least a different name in this world might murder show-
To collapse a bleeding nation and wallow in our woe-
convenience the beautiful-
convenience abundance;
convenience or die-
Your image to drunken my soul;
your fire to consume me-
Your lies never to drown in the blood that you perfume me-
For those who bar your way die upon your alter-
And the graves that you prepare in your vanity never falter-
Though murder be your throne and malice be your scepter-
We shall close our eyes to wish that death sounds better-
At least a different name in this world might murder show-
To collapse a bleeding nation and wallow in our woe-
Heresy of the Month
If you are humor-impaired or faciciously-challenged, please read the Disclaimer before proceeding.
In last month's heresy we looked at a plethora of verses from the Bible which could be used to confuse and amaze our friends. All of that verse quoting can however be quite tiring. It is also unnecessary once you learn the trick of personal divine revelation.
In personal divine revelation you simply believe that you got it straight from God, or a god or Divine Mother or whatever. ( Just don't claim you got it from your neighbor's dog; Berkowitz already used that one.) This technique is not too far removed from the guy who thinks himself an orange except that it is too complicated and anile retentive to be schizophrenic.
Dogma generation via personal divine revelation can be seen in this month's heresy, The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.
The movement's start can be traced to 1963 when a young woman named Fatima Flatulente had a vision of an angelic being who explained to her the complicated interrelatedness of life the universe and everything. He also instructed her to leave Spain and move to southern California where she would find people more receptive to her revelation. Taking upon herself a vow of poverty she settled on a beach near Big Sur where she lived the life of a surf bum and learned that the interrelatedness of all things was based upon vibrations, specifically, good vibrations. It was at this point that she changed her name to Fatima Flatulent Profit.
The interrelatedness of all things is organized according to the primary vibrations ( in hertz ) of the seven arch angels and other sacred objects of the same frequency. By meditating at the correct frequency while aligning your zodiac sign with the mantra of the corresponding angel on the appropriate day of the week while holding a crayon who's color compliments the aura of one of the descended masters of the seven sacred symbols while within the light of brother sun and breathing the air of mother earth and eating a twinkie one can receive the assurance of the higher knowledge. This higher knowledge is encapsulated in the simple yet profound meditation;
* "I'm good enough and I'm smart enough and, doggonit people like me!"
* "This simple statement is the beginning of true enlightenment. It then moves to;
* "I'm better than most, I'm smarter than most, and you had better realize it!"
* "The final stage is realized when one can say with a straight face;
"I am god; worship me."
It would be difficult to come up with a workable defence of such a belief system if not for the higher knowledge ploy. It assumes the believer has possession of information of such magnitude that his mere condescension to share it with you is an act of such grace that to beg proof is nothing less than sacrilege. One need only memorize a few lines to have an impenetrable defence of the faith.
1. "If you believe first then enlightenment will come."
2. "Of course you can't see it. Higher knowledge can only be perceived from within by those who possess spiritual insight."
3. (And most important of all.) "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"
Now you have it. Be the first one on your block to have the smug self assurance that your self esteem is unsurpassed. Give your ego every excuse to swell beyond your wildest dreams while you proclaim the emergence of The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.
In last month's heresy we looked at a plethora of verses from the Bible which could be used to confuse and amaze our friends. All of that verse quoting can however be quite tiring. It is also unnecessary once you learn the trick of personal divine revelation.
In personal divine revelation you simply believe that you got it straight from God, or a god or Divine Mother or whatever. ( Just don't claim you got it from your neighbor's dog; Berkowitz already used that one.) This technique is not too far removed from the guy who thinks himself an orange except that it is too complicated and anile retentive to be schizophrenic.
Dogma generation via personal divine revelation can be seen in this month's heresy, The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.
The movement's start can be traced to 1963 when a young woman named Fatima Flatulente had a vision of an angelic being who explained to her the complicated interrelatedness of life the universe and everything. He also instructed her to leave Spain and move to southern California where she would find people more receptive to her revelation. Taking upon herself a vow of poverty she settled on a beach near Big Sur where she lived the life of a surf bum and learned that the interrelatedness of all things was based upon vibrations, specifically, good vibrations. It was at this point that she changed her name to Fatima Flatulent Profit.
The interrelatedness of all things is organized according to the primary vibrations ( in hertz ) of the seven arch angels and other sacred objects of the same frequency. By meditating at the correct frequency while aligning your zodiac sign with the mantra of the corresponding angel on the appropriate day of the week while holding a crayon who's color compliments the aura of one of the descended masters of the seven sacred symbols while within the light of brother sun and breathing the air of mother earth and eating a twinkie one can receive the assurance of the higher knowledge. This higher knowledge is encapsulated in the simple yet profound meditation;
* "I'm good enough and I'm smart enough and, doggonit people like me!"
* "This simple statement is the beginning of true enlightenment. It then moves to;
* "I'm better than most, I'm smarter than most, and you had better realize it!"
* "The final stage is realized when one can say with a straight face;
"I am god; worship me."
It would be difficult to come up with a workable defence of such a belief system if not for the higher knowledge ploy. It assumes the believer has possession of information of such magnitude that his mere condescension to share it with you is an act of such grace that to beg proof is nothing less than sacrilege. One need only memorize a few lines to have an impenetrable defence of the faith.
1. "If you believe first then enlightenment will come."
2. "Of course you can't see it. Higher knowledge can only be perceived from within by those who possess spiritual insight."
3. (And most important of all.) "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"
Now you have it. Be the first one on your block to have the smug self assurance that your self esteem is unsurpassed. Give your ego every excuse to swell beyond your wildest dreams while you proclaim the emergence of The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.
News Briefs
In a story appearing in Money Mongers magazine Rochester once again made number one! The article cited several reasons for Rochester's first ranking. The city was ranked first in law and order. Reasons for this included Rochester's ordinance against skateboarding and the enforcement of a juvenile curfew. Also credited was the cities policy concerning the "youth problem". The main thrust of which is to get the kids out of town or at least out of sight. Rochester was also rated number one as...
-city where you are most likely to step in goose crap.
-city where you are most likely to meet an arrogant doctor.
-city which has cut down the most unsightly trees by a river.
-city with the best mall escalator guards.
The Minnesota Health Care Commission has made a recommendation to rid Minnesota of uninsured people. When the compassion of the commission was questioned because of their use of the word "freeloader" the wording was changed to "parasite". People who cannot afford health insurance will be aided by finning them $500 per year. It is hoped that by levying large enough fines these people will be able to eventually qualify as impoverished and thereby able to obtain Medical Assistance. It is hoped that in the next few years Medical Assistance can also be eliminated thereby relieving the commission of dealing with problems of this sort in the future.
-city where you are most likely to step in goose crap.
-city where you are most likely to meet an arrogant doctor.
-city which has cut down the most unsightly trees by a river.
-city with the best mall escalator guards.
The Minnesota Health Care Commission has made a recommendation to rid Minnesota of uninsured people. When the compassion of the commission was questioned because of their use of the word "freeloader" the wording was changed to "parasite". People who cannot afford health insurance will be aided by finning them $500 per year. It is hoped that by levying large enough fines these people will be able to eventually qualify as impoverished and thereby able to obtain Medical Assistance. It is hoped that in the next few years Medical Assistance can also be eliminated thereby relieving the commission of dealing with problems of this sort in the future.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Welcome to Issue #1 of Sackcloth & Ashes
In my life as a believer in Christ, I have often been faced with the difficulties of sharing my faith with people I come in contact with. Conflicts with time, answering several questions at once, or unintentionally relating the wrong ideas, are only a few of the difficulties.
Some close friends and I finally made a decision to share some Christian standpoints in a more approachable and complete manner. We are hoping Sackcloth & Ashes will shed light ( or at least clear the mist ) on various personal or philosophical problems concerning Christianity.
In no particular order, issue #1 will consist of poetry, quotes, and insights. We also encourage you to send any comments, questions, or suggestions you may have pertaining to Sackcloth & Ashes. Mail comments, questions, suggestions or threats to:
Sackcloth & Ashes P.O. Box 9093 Rochester MN, 55903
And in each and every province where the command and decree of the king came, there was great mourning amoung the Jews, with fasting, weeping and wailing; and many lay on sackcloth and ashes.
Some close friends and I finally made a decision to share some Christian standpoints in a more approachable and complete manner. We are hoping Sackcloth & Ashes will shed light ( or at least clear the mist ) on various personal or philosophical problems concerning Christianity.
In no particular order, issue #1 will consist of poetry, quotes, and insights. We also encourage you to send any comments, questions, or suggestions you may have pertaining to Sackcloth & Ashes. Mail comments, questions, suggestions or threats to:
Sackcloth & Ashes P.O. Box 9093 Rochester MN, 55903
And in each and every province where the command and decree of the king came, there was great mourning amoung the Jews, with fasting, weeping and wailing; and many lay on sackcloth and ashes.
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