Sackcloth & Ashes ... not nearly as depressing as it sounds ...
Now that you're here don't be afraid to look around, we promise not to tell. The softly glowing electronic pages of Sackcloth & Ashes contain grammatical and spelling errors which are intentional, so that the inept might read it without losing self esteem. They also contain articles, advertisements, and other works of the genre "apologetic theological satire" which we just now made up, to lend a comforting sense of false authenticity and authority to the site. In order to present a reassuring sense of continuity, our returning readers will find we have retained series such as Heresy of the Month, True Psychic, News Briefs, and we even include a Key to Satire for the humor impaired. There are a few kind of serious articles and quotations, but you have to figure out which ones they are on your own.
Hot off the distiller is zeen two originally published sometime in early '95 (procrastination is our middle name). Now you may download and view it in all its holy splendor (insert bright lights and angels singing here). Again, if you dont have an acrobat reader, GET ONE. You can configure Netscape to automatically open the document (for the labor impared)(wow, i really like using these parenthesis...). How lovely...Enjoy.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The NOT Made Up News
CAMBODIA-- Before she died, she told her father that she would return as a bird. Three days after the funeral, her father discovered a peacock sitting on her grave, so he took it home, believing it to be his reincarnated daughter.
The bird sleeps on the deceased woman's bed, which presumably has had the frilly bedspread replaced with a plastic tarp. Though as a human she was a bit peckish, she now enjoys the occasional tasty bug, if one happens into her boudoir.
The fowl twist of fate that left the woman dead has been the cause of hope to at least some. The idea that something supernatural has happened, came home to roost as villagers flocked to the bird to offer it holy water in hopes that it will heal one of them. This, in spite of the fact that it is usually dogs that are taught to heal. It is unknown whether her father will try to feather his nest by selling his daughters eggs, eat them, or name them after himself and include them in his will.
KANPUR, INDIA-- It's mayhem in the streets in this industrial center, and it's because of those pesky statues of Buddha that were destroyed in Afghanistan. Moslems in this predominantly Hindu nation, blame Hindus for burning a Koran in protest over Afghani Moslems blowing up two Buddha statues in a predominantly Islamic country, while Buddhists, who in India are a minority, pretty much stay out of it, except for in Sri Lanka, which is a different country altogether, where the president wants to buy the pieces of the demolished statues and rebuild them in Sri Lanka, with United Nations money, gleaned from really high dues the U.N. has assessed the United States, which they probably won't pay anyhow, through the auspices of UNESCO, (United Nations Education, Science, and Cultural Organization ) who's main purpose is to promote education in third world countries, apparently by reassembling giant religious icons.
The cost of all this? Two five hundred year old artifacts destroyed, a number of people dead, 200 shops looted, and a minor loss to the Afghani beef industry.
That's right. In a move to appease Allah for not destroying the Buddhas quickly enough, a mullah in Afghanistan has ordered 100 cows to be slaughtered. PETA (People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals) has largely ignored this atrocity while the other PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) thought it a shame to waste so much perfectly good jerky.
The bird sleeps on the deceased woman's bed, which presumably has had the frilly bedspread replaced with a plastic tarp. Though as a human she was a bit peckish, she now enjoys the occasional tasty bug, if one happens into her boudoir.
The fowl twist of fate that left the woman dead has been the cause of hope to at least some. The idea that something supernatural has happened, came home to roost as villagers flocked to the bird to offer it holy water in hopes that it will heal one of them. This, in spite of the fact that it is usually dogs that are taught to heal. It is unknown whether her father will try to feather his nest by selling his daughters eggs, eat them, or name them after himself and include them in his will.
KANPUR, INDIA-- It's mayhem in the streets in this industrial center, and it's because of those pesky statues of Buddha that were destroyed in Afghanistan. Moslems in this predominantly Hindu nation, blame Hindus for burning a Koran in protest over Afghani Moslems blowing up two Buddha statues in a predominantly Islamic country, while Buddhists, who in India are a minority, pretty much stay out of it, except for in Sri Lanka, which is a different country altogether, where the president wants to buy the pieces of the demolished statues and rebuild them in Sri Lanka, with United Nations money, gleaned from really high dues the U.N. has assessed the United States, which they probably won't pay anyhow, through the auspices of UNESCO, (United Nations Education, Science, and Cultural Organization ) who's main purpose is to promote education in third world countries, apparently by reassembling giant religious icons.
The cost of all this? Two five hundred year old artifacts destroyed, a number of people dead, 200 shops looted, and a minor loss to the Afghani beef industry.
That's right. In a move to appease Allah for not destroying the Buddhas quickly enough, a mullah in Afghanistan has ordered 100 cows to be slaughtered. PETA (People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals) has largely ignored this atrocity while the other PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) thought it a shame to waste so much perfectly good jerky.
THE DARKROOM SEARCH
Is love blind?
They say that love makes blind, and by this they explain the phenomenon. In case a man going into a dark room to fetch something were to reply to my advice that he carry a light by saying, "the thing I am seeking is only a trifle, therefore I carry no light" -ah, then I could understand him perfectly.
On the other hand, when the same man takes me aside and confides to me in a mysterious manner that the thing he went to fetch was of the utmost importance, and therefore he could do it blindly-ah, I wonder how my poor mortal head might be able to follow the high flight of this speech. Even if for fear of offending him I might refrain from laughter, as soon as his back was turned I could not help laughing. But at love nobody laughs
They say that love makes blind, and by this they explain the phenomenon. In case a man going into a dark room to fetch something were to reply to my advice that he carry a light by saying, "the thing I am seeking is only a trifle, therefore I carry no light" -ah, then I could understand him perfectly.
On the other hand, when the same man takes me aside and confides to me in a mysterious manner that the thing he went to fetch was of the utmost importance, and therefore he could do it blindly-ah, I wonder how my poor mortal head might be able to follow the high flight of this speech. Even if for fear of offending him I might refrain from laughter, as soon as his back was turned I could not help laughing. But at love nobody laughs
Convenience
Convenience the proud;
convenience the beautiful-
convenience abundance;
convenience or die-
Your image to drunken my soul;
your fire to consume me-
Your lies never to drown in the blood that you perfume me-
For those who bar your way die upon your alter-
And the graves that you prepare in your vanity never falter-
Though murder be your throne and malice be your scepter-
We shall close our eyes to wish that death sounds better-
At least a different name in this world might murder show-
To collapse a bleeding nation and wallow in our woe-
convenience the beautiful-
convenience abundance;
convenience or die-
Your image to drunken my soul;
your fire to consume me-
Your lies never to drown in the blood that you perfume me-
For those who bar your way die upon your alter-
And the graves that you prepare in your vanity never falter-
Though murder be your throne and malice be your scepter-
We shall close our eyes to wish that death sounds better-
At least a different name in this world might murder show-
To collapse a bleeding nation and wallow in our woe-
Heresy of the Month
If you are humor-impaired or faciciously-challenged, please read the Disclaimer before proceeding.
In last month's heresy we looked at a plethora of verses from the Bible which could be used to confuse and amaze our friends. All of that verse quoting can however be quite tiring. It is also unnecessary once you learn the trick of personal divine revelation.
In personal divine revelation you simply believe that you got it straight from God, or a god or Divine Mother or whatever. ( Just don't claim you got it from your neighbor's dog; Berkowitz already used that one.) This technique is not too far removed from the guy who thinks himself an orange except that it is too complicated and anile retentive to be schizophrenic.
Dogma generation via personal divine revelation can be seen in this month's heresy, The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.
The movement's start can be traced to 1963 when a young woman named Fatima Flatulente had a vision of an angelic being who explained to her the complicated interrelatedness of life the universe and everything. He also instructed her to leave Spain and move to southern California where she would find people more receptive to her revelation. Taking upon herself a vow of poverty she settled on a beach near Big Sur where she lived the life of a surf bum and learned that the interrelatedness of all things was based upon vibrations, specifically, good vibrations. It was at this point that she changed her name to Fatima Flatulent Profit.
The interrelatedness of all things is organized according to the primary vibrations ( in hertz ) of the seven arch angels and other sacred objects of the same frequency. By meditating at the correct frequency while aligning your zodiac sign with the mantra of the corresponding angel on the appropriate day of the week while holding a crayon who's color compliments the aura of one of the descended masters of the seven sacred symbols while within the light of brother sun and breathing the air of mother earth and eating a twinkie one can receive the assurance of the higher knowledge. This higher knowledge is encapsulated in the simple yet profound meditation;
* "I'm good enough and I'm smart enough and, doggonit people like me!"
* "This simple statement is the beginning of true enlightenment. It then moves to;
* "I'm better than most, I'm smarter than most, and you had better realize it!"
* "The final stage is realized when one can say with a straight face;
"I am god; worship me."
It would be difficult to come up with a workable defence of such a belief system if not for the higher knowledge ploy. It assumes the believer has possession of information of such magnitude that his mere condescension to share it with you is an act of such grace that to beg proof is nothing less than sacrilege. One need only memorize a few lines to have an impenetrable defence of the faith.
1. "If you believe first then enlightenment will come."
2. "Of course you can't see it. Higher knowledge can only be perceived from within by those who possess spiritual insight."
3. (And most important of all.) "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"
Now you have it. Be the first one on your block to have the smug self assurance that your self esteem is unsurpassed. Give your ego every excuse to swell beyond your wildest dreams while you proclaim the emergence of The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.
In last month's heresy we looked at a plethora of verses from the Bible which could be used to confuse and amaze our friends. All of that verse quoting can however be quite tiring. It is also unnecessary once you learn the trick of personal divine revelation.
In personal divine revelation you simply believe that you got it straight from God, or a god or Divine Mother or whatever. ( Just don't claim you got it from your neighbor's dog; Berkowitz already used that one.) This technique is not too far removed from the guy who thinks himself an orange except that it is too complicated and anile retentive to be schizophrenic.
Dogma generation via personal divine revelation can be seen in this month's heresy, The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.
The movement's start can be traced to 1963 when a young woman named Fatima Flatulente had a vision of an angelic being who explained to her the complicated interrelatedness of life the universe and everything. He also instructed her to leave Spain and move to southern California where she would find people more receptive to her revelation. Taking upon herself a vow of poverty she settled on a beach near Big Sur where she lived the life of a surf bum and learned that the interrelatedness of all things was based upon vibrations, specifically, good vibrations. It was at this point that she changed her name to Fatima Flatulent Profit.
The interrelatedness of all things is organized according to the primary vibrations ( in hertz ) of the seven arch angels and other sacred objects of the same frequency. By meditating at the correct frequency while aligning your zodiac sign with the mantra of the corresponding angel on the appropriate day of the week while holding a crayon who's color compliments the aura of one of the descended masters of the seven sacred symbols while within the light of brother sun and breathing the air of mother earth and eating a twinkie one can receive the assurance of the higher knowledge. This higher knowledge is encapsulated in the simple yet profound meditation;
* "I'm good enough and I'm smart enough and, doggonit people like me!"
* "This simple statement is the beginning of true enlightenment. It then moves to;
* "I'm better than most, I'm smarter than most, and you had better realize it!"
* "The final stage is realized when one can say with a straight face;
"I am god; worship me."
It would be difficult to come up with a workable defence of such a belief system if not for the higher knowledge ploy. It assumes the believer has possession of information of such magnitude that his mere condescension to share it with you is an act of such grace that to beg proof is nothing less than sacrilege. One need only memorize a few lines to have an impenetrable defence of the faith.
1. "If you believe first then enlightenment will come."
2. "Of course you can't see it. Higher knowledge can only be perceived from within by those who possess spiritual insight."
3. (And most important of all.) "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"
Now you have it. Be the first one on your block to have the smug self assurance that your self esteem is unsurpassed. Give your ego every excuse to swell beyond your wildest dreams while you proclaim the emergence of The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.
News Briefs
In a story appearing in Money Mongers magazine Rochester once again made number one! The article cited several reasons for Rochester's first ranking. The city was ranked first in law and order. Reasons for this included Rochester's ordinance against skateboarding and the enforcement of a juvenile curfew. Also credited was the cities policy concerning the "youth problem". The main thrust of which is to get the kids out of town or at least out of sight. Rochester was also rated number one as...
-city where you are most likely to step in goose crap.
-city where you are most likely to meet an arrogant doctor.
-city which has cut down the most unsightly trees by a river.
-city with the best mall escalator guards.
The Minnesota Health Care Commission has made a recommendation to rid Minnesota of uninsured people. When the compassion of the commission was questioned because of their use of the word "freeloader" the wording was changed to "parasite". People who cannot afford health insurance will be aided by finning them $500 per year. It is hoped that by levying large enough fines these people will be able to eventually qualify as impoverished and thereby able to obtain Medical Assistance. It is hoped that in the next few years Medical Assistance can also be eliminated thereby relieving the commission of dealing with problems of this sort in the future.
-city where you are most likely to step in goose crap.
-city where you are most likely to meet an arrogant doctor.
-city which has cut down the most unsightly trees by a river.
-city with the best mall escalator guards.
The Minnesota Health Care Commission has made a recommendation to rid Minnesota of uninsured people. When the compassion of the commission was questioned because of their use of the word "freeloader" the wording was changed to "parasite". People who cannot afford health insurance will be aided by finning them $500 per year. It is hoped that by levying large enough fines these people will be able to eventually qualify as impoverished and thereby able to obtain Medical Assistance. It is hoped that in the next few years Medical Assistance can also be eliminated thereby relieving the commission of dealing with problems of this sort in the future.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Welcome to Issue #1 of Sackcloth & Ashes
In my life as a believer in Christ, I have often been faced with the difficulties of sharing my faith with people I come in contact with. Conflicts with time, answering several questions at once, or unintentionally relating the wrong ideas, are only a few of the difficulties.
Some close friends and I finally made a decision to share some Christian standpoints in a more approachable and complete manner. We are hoping Sackcloth & Ashes will shed light ( or at least clear the mist ) on various personal or philosophical problems concerning Christianity.
In no particular order, issue #1 will consist of poetry, quotes, and insights. We also encourage you to send any comments, questions, or suggestions you may have pertaining to Sackcloth & Ashes. Mail comments, questions, suggestions or threats to:
Sackcloth & Ashes P.O. Box 9093 Rochester MN, 55903
And in each and every province where the command and decree of the king came, there was great mourning amoung the Jews, with fasting, weeping and wailing; and many lay on sackcloth and ashes.
Some close friends and I finally made a decision to share some Christian standpoints in a more approachable and complete manner. We are hoping Sackcloth & Ashes will shed light ( or at least clear the mist ) on various personal or philosophical problems concerning Christianity.
In no particular order, issue #1 will consist of poetry, quotes, and insights. We also encourage you to send any comments, questions, or suggestions you may have pertaining to Sackcloth & Ashes. Mail comments, questions, suggestions or threats to:
Sackcloth & Ashes P.O. Box 9093 Rochester MN, 55903
And in each and every province where the command and decree of the king came, there was great mourning amoung the Jews, with fasting, weeping and wailing; and many lay on sackcloth and ashes.
Choice?
Perhaps no other debate in the last 20 years has generated as much rhetoric, as much slogan shouting, as much intentional misdirection as the abortion debate. For most the issue is already decided. Both those who favor the free availability of abortion, and those who would prohibit it entirely, are certain they are, without any doubt, completely and blatantly in the right. Why then do I undertake to further obfuscate the debate? Who could I hope to win over to my side? By shear weight of my argument probably no one. Especially when you consider the publication limits of my medium. Yet in the hope that one person may be swayed, here goes.
Perhaps we could start by clearing up some terms. There are those who would prohibit or greatly restrict abortions. They are then, anti abortion. To say they are pro life only ads a misleading title to an obvious position. There are also those who feel that abortions should be generally available to anyone who wants one. Though they might not choose an abortion for themselves they generally favor the availability of abortions. Though they are often called pro choice the choice they want available is abortion. They are pro abortion. The inutero by-product of pregnancy is not what most people think of as a baby. It is clearly in a different stage of development. On the other hand, to simply call it a pregnancy by-product does not differentiate between that tissue which after a live birth is referred to as a baby and the placenta or other tissues which are discarded as waste by those on either side of the debate. The fetus is the bit of tissue that the debate centers on.
The whole debate is in fact somewhat moot if the centrality of the fetus is overlooked. While one side cries "murder" the other side cries "totalitarian". Yet both sides appeal ( as Sackcloth asserts in his article ) to a sense of right and wrong which is more similar than different. Both sides feel that the taking of an innocent human life is wrong. Both sides feel that the state should not interfere in maters as personal as procreation except to prevent some great evil. ( Over population choking the life out of our planet or the less dramatic case of preventing inbreeding to decrease the likelihood of birth defects caused by defective recessive genes being examples that come to mind. ) If in fact the fetus is simply unwanted human tissue not unlike a wart or a tumor or, as in my case, excess fat cells, then the premisses of both sides would allow that rights as important as control over our own reproductive processes far outweigh any right my wart might have to exist. On the other hand, the taking of an individual human life is sanctioned only under the greatest compunction by those on either side of the debate. If the fetus is an individual human being it's death is a far greater tragedy than someone else's temporary loss of reproductive freedom. If
...
If...
If...
This is the beginning of the debate. It is also the end of this article. Look into it yourself. The data on what a fetus is can be readily found.
Perhaps we could start by clearing up some terms. There are those who would prohibit or greatly restrict abortions. They are then, anti abortion. To say they are pro life only ads a misleading title to an obvious position. There are also those who feel that abortions should be generally available to anyone who wants one. Though they might not choose an abortion for themselves they generally favor the availability of abortions. Though they are often called pro choice the choice they want available is abortion. They are pro abortion. The inutero by-product of pregnancy is not what most people think of as a baby. It is clearly in a different stage of development. On the other hand, to simply call it a pregnancy by-product does not differentiate between that tissue which after a live birth is referred to as a baby and the placenta or other tissues which are discarded as waste by those on either side of the debate. The fetus is the bit of tissue that the debate centers on.
The whole debate is in fact somewhat moot if the centrality of the fetus is overlooked. While one side cries "murder" the other side cries "totalitarian". Yet both sides appeal ( as Sackcloth asserts in his article ) to a sense of right and wrong which is more similar than different. Both sides feel that the taking of an innocent human life is wrong. Both sides feel that the state should not interfere in maters as personal as procreation except to prevent some great evil. ( Over population choking the life out of our planet or the less dramatic case of preventing inbreeding to decrease the likelihood of birth defects caused by defective recessive genes being examples that come to mind. ) If in fact the fetus is simply unwanted human tissue not unlike a wart or a tumor or, as in my case, excess fat cells, then the premisses of both sides would allow that rights as important as control over our own reproductive processes far outweigh any right my wart might have to exist. On the other hand, the taking of an individual human life is sanctioned only under the greatest compunction by those on either side of the debate. If the fetus is an individual human being it's death is a far greater tragedy than someone else's temporary loss of reproductive freedom. If
...
If...
If...
This is the beginning of the debate. It is also the end of this article. Look into it yourself. The data on what a fetus is can be readily found.
Ethical Base
"Why should you shove in first?"- "How would you like it if someone did the same to you?"- "Come on, you promised."- "Give me some of your candy, I gave you some of mine." This is common to every ear as well as every mouth. What is uncommon is that this simple quarrelling can be a clue to the meaning of our existance. The accuser seems to be appealing to, or measuring by, a standard of behavior that (s)he expects the other to know. What would be the sense in this unless both had an agreement as to what the rules are? The accuser is not merely saying the other person's behavior is not pleasing. If right and wrong is simply preference ( like prefering beer over cider), calling a foul would lose validity. Suppose the quarrelling continued. We would hear the accused rationalize that (s)he is, in fact, adhereing to this standard; or that in his/her particular case it has been suspended. Very rarely will the accused reply: " To hell with your standard." Quarrelling , therefore, must be under the assumption that this standard of behavior is a real thing that ought to be practised.
If, while reading this, you notice yourself disagreeing with me, are you not measuring me by the standard of behavior that truth is a thing that I ought to practise? We begin to see the direction this is pointing. When anyone quarrels they appeal to something or someone that exists apart from themselves and their situation.
How can this be a clue to the meaning of our existance? Well, perhaps there does exist a bird's eye-view of the human situation; an actual living standard that knows what our right and our wrong is. This would justify appealing to it and give quarrelling more validity than mere representation of taste. Could it be that our moral ideas are more a reflection of a source than a reflection of an accident? What, or whom might this source be?
If, while reading this, you notice yourself disagreeing with me, are you not measuring me by the standard of behavior that truth is a thing that I ought to practise? We begin to see the direction this is pointing. When anyone quarrels they appeal to something or someone that exists apart from themselves and their situation.
How can this be a clue to the meaning of our existance? Well, perhaps there does exist a bird's eye-view of the human situation; an actual living standard that knows what our right and our wrong is. This would justify appealing to it and give quarrelling more validity than mere representation of taste. Could it be that our moral ideas are more a reflection of a source than a reflection of an accident? What, or whom might this source be?
Fun with Formgeschichte
Formgeschichte is a method of higher criticism invented by a German guy who liked to coin new words. It involves the critical analysis of a text of questionable authorship. It is assumed that by noting such things as vocabulary, sentence structure, topics, themes and underlying concepts one can ascertain who the authors were and whether or not later revisions were made.
Though it has been applied to other literature as well, it is most commonly used to examine Biblical literature. The form critic attempts to remove what he sees as adulterations of the text and thereby arrive at a writing which more accurately depicts the thoughts of the original author. By removing bits that seem "unauthentic" the basis of our theology can change and morality becomes more fluid than absolute. Applying formgeschichte to a stop sign however could get you killed. Formgeschechte is not to be confused with the related discipline bullgeschichte even though at times the distinction seems a bit blurry.
The task at hand is to determine as much as you can about the authors of Sackcloth and Ashes. How many are there? What (if any) is their education level? What was edited in after the original author wrote the article? What was edited out? Were any of them former chicken ranchers from Arkansas?
Mail your entry to:
Sackcloth and Ashes
PO Box 9093
Rochester, MN 55903
The winner will receive future issues of Sackcloth and Ashes absolutely free (if she or he can find any lying about somewhere unclaimed.) Results will be published in a later issue if anyone gets around to it.
Though it has been applied to other literature as well, it is most commonly used to examine Biblical literature. The form critic attempts to remove what he sees as adulterations of the text and thereby arrive at a writing which more accurately depicts the thoughts of the original author. By removing bits that seem "unauthentic" the basis of our theology can change and morality becomes more fluid than absolute. Applying formgeschichte to a stop sign however could get you killed. Formgeschechte is not to be confused with the related discipline bullgeschichte even though at times the distinction seems a bit blurry.
The task at hand is to determine as much as you can about the authors of Sackcloth and Ashes. How many are there? What (if any) is their education level? What was edited in after the original author wrote the article? What was edited out? Were any of them former chicken ranchers from Arkansas?
Mail your entry to:
Sackcloth and Ashes
PO Box 9093
Rochester, MN 55903
The winner will receive future issues of Sackcloth and Ashes absolutely free (if she or he can find any lying about somewhere unclaimed.) Results will be published in a later issue if anyone gets around to it.
THE HAPPY CONFLAGRATION
What happens to those who try to
warn the present age?
It happened that a fire broke out
backstage in a theater. The clown
came out to inform the public.
They thought is was just a jest
and applauded. He repeated his
warning, they shouted even
louder. So I think the world will
come to an end amid general
applause from all the wits, who
believe that it is a joke.
-Kierkegaard
warn the present age?
It happened that a fire broke out
backstage in a theater. The clown
came out to inform the public.
They thought is was just a jest
and applauded. He repeated his
warning, they shouted even
louder. So I think the world will
come to an end amid general
applause from all the wits, who
believe that it is a joke.
-Kierkegaard
Heresy of the Month
If you are humor-impared or faciciously-challenged, please read the Disclaimer at the end before proceding.
Don't you hate it when someone you know comes up with some new thing that you have never heard about? You sit there in apparent ignorance as they pontificate about the proofs and merits of some idea so far beyond common knowledge that it can only be revealed by people of exceptional enlightenment such as they. Well now you have recourse! You can baffle your friends. Impress the opposite sex. It can be easily accomplished by joining the Heresy of the Month Club!
Imagine the deep sense of satisfaction you can feel the next time a Jehovah's Witness knocks on your door. When he says, "Have you heard about Jehovah's kingdom?"
You confidently reply, "Of course. But have you heard about the Church of the Leaner Day Saints?"
Invite him in and you become the one with the higher knowledge benevolently leading him down the path of truth. And you got it here, before anyone else, at Heresy of the Month!
This month's heresy, The Church of the Leaner Day Saints, finds it's origin in a rather creative interpretation of Matthew 7:13-14.
"Enter ye in at the straight gate: For wide is the gate, and broad is the way that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."
Yes, even Jesus himself, was known to be a thin person. How else could you get through that narrow gate? Jesus criticized the obese pharisees who were too fat to wear normal clothes.
"But all their works they do to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the boarders of their garments." Matthew 23:5
Consider the deep and profound symbolism of the dream of Pharaoh recorded in Genesis 41:1-7. Pharaoh sees 7 fat cows followed by 7 lean cows. The lean ones eat the fat ones. Then he sees 7 fat ears of grain followed by 7 lean ears of grain. The lean consumes the fat. This is symbolic literature. Both the animal world and the vegetable world are included. This signifies the totality of God's condemnation of fat. The consuming doesn't mean that we are to eat fat people. It rather refers to the tendency we all have to consume what we love. This very thing was pointed out by Sigmund Freud and is intrinsically tied up in our subconscious desires to still be breast fed. Though we still love those who have fallen into the error of gluttony, we who are called of God to walk the narrow path must not fall into the same pit of obesity, for the fat are to be destroyed and the lean will prevail. Is it any wonder that Leviticus 4:31 says, "And he shall take away all the fat thereof"
The truth can more clearly be seen by critical analysis of some texts such as Leviticus 1:12 If one accounts for the obvious redactor's comment added between the words head and fat and corrects for the author's dyslexia then, "with his head and his fat" becomes, "with his fat head" which the author then instructs the reader to lay on the alter and cut to peaces.
But how, you may ask, is one to achieve this gaunt and salvific state? The answer can be found in Philipians 2:12: "Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."
So we are to work out. But what type of exercise is best for entering that narrow gate? Certainly not weight training. Muscle bound meat heads could never fit in. Look at Ezekiel 34:16.
"I will destroy the fat and the strong."
The scripture recommends running for that sevete look. Hebrews `12:1 states that we should lay aside every weight and run with patience.
Now you have the inside scoop. You are the enlightened one. Memorize these verses and you can astound anyone who hasn't read the Bible because they think it can't be understood. Be careful however not to read whole books of the Bible as a unit. That type of knowledge can be rightly interpreted only by super spiritually enlightened people, such as we here at Heresy of the Month.
Disclaimer
Any similarities between the heresies found in Heresy of the Month and ones that someone else made up are purely accidental except for where it is intentionl. We refuse liability for the final resting place of the soul of anyone adhering to any of these beliefs; so if you end up in hell you can't sue us (even though you would have a lot of lawyers there with you who would take the case on a percentage.) Beliefs found in Heresy of the Month are not endorsed by Sackcloth and Ashes.
Don't you hate it when someone you know comes up with some new thing that you have never heard about? You sit there in apparent ignorance as they pontificate about the proofs and merits of some idea so far beyond common knowledge that it can only be revealed by people of exceptional enlightenment such as they. Well now you have recourse! You can baffle your friends. Impress the opposite sex. It can be easily accomplished by joining the Heresy of the Month Club!
Imagine the deep sense of satisfaction you can feel the next time a Jehovah's Witness knocks on your door. When he says, "Have you heard about Jehovah's kingdom?"
You confidently reply, "Of course. But have you heard about the Church of the Leaner Day Saints?"
Invite him in and you become the one with the higher knowledge benevolently leading him down the path of truth. And you got it here, before anyone else, at Heresy of the Month!
This month's heresy, The Church of the Leaner Day Saints, finds it's origin in a rather creative interpretation of Matthew 7:13-14.
"Enter ye in at the straight gate: For wide is the gate, and broad is the way that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it."
Yes, even Jesus himself, was known to be a thin person. How else could you get through that narrow gate? Jesus criticized the obese pharisees who were too fat to wear normal clothes.
"But all their works they do to be seen of men: they make broad their phylacteries, and enlarge the boarders of their garments." Matthew 23:5
Consider the deep and profound symbolism of the dream of Pharaoh recorded in Genesis 41:1-7. Pharaoh sees 7 fat cows followed by 7 lean cows. The lean ones eat the fat ones. Then he sees 7 fat ears of grain followed by 7 lean ears of grain. The lean consumes the fat. This is symbolic literature. Both the animal world and the vegetable world are included. This signifies the totality of God's condemnation of fat. The consuming doesn't mean that we are to eat fat people. It rather refers to the tendency we all have to consume what we love. This very thing was pointed out by Sigmund Freud and is intrinsically tied up in our subconscious desires to still be breast fed. Though we still love those who have fallen into the error of gluttony, we who are called of God to walk the narrow path must not fall into the same pit of obesity, for the fat are to be destroyed and the lean will prevail. Is it any wonder that Leviticus 4:31 says, "And he shall take away all the fat thereof"
The truth can more clearly be seen by critical analysis of some texts such as Leviticus 1:12 If one accounts for the obvious redactor's comment added between the words head and fat and corrects for the author's dyslexia then, "with his head and his fat" becomes, "with his fat head" which the author then instructs the reader to lay on the alter and cut to peaces.
But how, you may ask, is one to achieve this gaunt and salvific state? The answer can be found in Philipians 2:12: "Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."
So we are to work out. But what type of exercise is best for entering that narrow gate? Certainly not weight training. Muscle bound meat heads could never fit in. Look at Ezekiel 34:16.
"I will destroy the fat and the strong."
The scripture recommends running for that sevete look. Hebrews `12:1 states that we should lay aside every weight and run with patience.
Now you have the inside scoop. You are the enlightened one. Memorize these verses and you can astound anyone who hasn't read the Bible because they think it can't be understood. Be careful however not to read whole books of the Bible as a unit. That type of knowledge can be rightly interpreted only by super spiritually enlightened people, such as we here at Heresy of the Month.
Disclaimer
Any similarities between the heresies found in Heresy of the Month and ones that someone else made up are purely accidental except for where it is intentionl. We refuse liability for the final resting place of the soul of anyone adhering to any of these beliefs; so if you end up in hell you can't sue us (even though you would have a lot of lawyers there with you who would take the case on a percentage.) Beliefs found in Heresy of the Month are not endorsed by Sackcloth and Ashes.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Intro
Sackcloth & Ashes was a satire site which a friend and I found both edifying and funny. It basically disappeared form the face of the internet and we thought we had lost this great resource. Thanks to the Wayback machine, all is not lost and here the original articles will be reproduced for others to enjoy.
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