Heresy of the Month

If you are humor-impaired or faciciously-challenged, please read the Disclaimer before proceeding.

In last month's heresy we looked at a plethora of verses from the Bible which could be used to confuse and amaze our friends. All of that verse quoting can however be quite tiring. It is also unnecessary once you learn the trick of personal divine revelation.

In personal divine revelation you simply believe that you got it straight from God, or a god or Divine Mother or whatever. ( Just don't claim you got it from your neighbor's dog; Berkowitz already used that one.) This technique is not too far removed from the guy who thinks himself an orange except that it is too complicated and anile retentive to be schizophrenic.

Dogma generation via personal divine revelation can be seen in this month's heresy, The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.

The movement's start can be traced to 1963 when a young woman named Fatima Flatulente had a vision of an angelic being who explained to her the complicated interrelatedness of life the universe and everything. He also instructed her to leave Spain and move to southern California where she would find people more receptive to her revelation. Taking upon herself a vow of poverty she settled on a beach near Big Sur where she lived the life of a surf bum and learned that the interrelatedness of all things was based upon vibrations, specifically, good vibrations. It was at this point that she changed her name to Fatima Flatulent Profit.

The interrelatedness of all things is organized according to the primary vibrations ( in hertz ) of the seven arch angels and other sacred objects of the same frequency. By meditating at the correct frequency while aligning your zodiac sign with the mantra of the corresponding angel on the appropriate day of the week while holding a crayon who's color compliments the aura of one of the descended masters of the seven sacred symbols while within the light of brother sun and breathing the air of mother earth and eating a twinkie one can receive the assurance of the higher knowledge. This higher knowledge is encapsulated in the simple yet profound meditation;

* "I'm good enough and I'm smart enough and, doggonit people like me!"
* "This simple statement is the beginning of true enlightenment. It then moves to;
* "I'm better than most, I'm smarter than most, and you had better realize it!"
* "The final stage is realized when one can say with a straight face;
"I am god; worship me."

It would be difficult to come up with a workable defence of such a belief system if not for the higher knowledge ploy. It assumes the believer has possession of information of such magnitude that his mere condescension to share it with you is an act of such grace that to beg proof is nothing less than sacrilege. One need only memorize a few lines to have an impenetrable defence of the faith.

1. "If you believe first then enlightenment will come."
2. "Of course you can't see it. Higher knowledge can only be perceived from within by those who possess spiritual insight."
3. (And most important of all.) "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"

Now you have it. Be the first one on your block to have the smug self assurance that your self esteem is unsurpassed. Give your ego every excuse to swell beyond your wildest dreams while you proclaim the emergence of The Church Universal, Warm, and Fuzzy.